Happy WrestleMania Sunday, everyone! What a day to be a fan of wrestling, am I right? This year’s WrestleMania, more so than many before it, has an uphill battle to fight. An injury-trodden match card with an abysmal buildup has left much of the WWE Universe feeling pretty, well, not hyped.
But this is WRESTLE FREAKING MANIA, you guys! The WWE knows what’s at stake, and they are going to pull out all the stops to ensure the fans in Dallas get their money’s worth.
So, without further ado, here are my official predictions for WrestleMania 32!
The Total Divas vs. B.A.D. & Blonde
What a joke. What an absolute, disgraceful joke.
Okay, now that I’ve gotten THAT out of my system, let me say this: Diva Battle Royals can be booked right. It’s completely possible. The WWE do it with men all the time. But when it’s booked as no more than a catfight, what does that say?
The WWE loves to praise itself for its so-called Divas Revolution, and it has been making strides (see the Championship match for proof). But how can we truly buy in to it when talents like Paige, Emma, Natalya and Naomi are wasting away in a match used as a lazy excuse for putting as many women in Mania as possible?
Prediction: Eva Marie turns on the Total Divas and Lana gets the pinfall
The Usos vs. The Dudley Boyz
Normal logic dictates that the veteran team put over the younger stars, but I’m going to throw this away because at the moments, a victory by the Usos makes less sense. Granted, the entire buildup of this match makes little sense, but it could have implications for the future of the tag team division.
With the New Day poised to be cemented as full-on babyfaces, the Dudley Boyz could very well be the heel opponents they can face between now and SummerSlam, provided a certain faction don’t debut tonight. They will probably get their tenth reign before they hang up their boots, so a victory tonight would give them some much-needed momentum.
Prediction: The Dudleys get put through tables, but win anyways
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
With rumors circulating that the WWE has changed their minds about giving Braun Strowman an immediate push, this year’s Battle Royale is anyone’s to win. However, I wouldn’t quite rule out a win for the rookie, or having him give an assist to leader Bray Wyatt.
The Social Outcasts, Big Show and Kane have been the centerpieces to the limited storyline going into this match. Expect them to make a statement, even if it’s just a comic relief style one. Big Show could very well pull off another win, and management might want to hand Kane the win in gratitude for his many, many years of service.
As much as I want to write in Tyler Breeze for the win, I’m a realist. Sorry.
Prediction: Braun Strowman wins with help from the Wyatts
Kalisto vs. Ryback (United States Championship match)
This is Kalisto’s chance to cement himself as an upper-level midcard star.
Despite the atrocious booking of the United States champion, Kalisto will, without a doubt, conquer the Big Guy in tonight’s Show of Shows. He has managed to remain very popular among fans despite suffering loss after loss. Heck, he managed to get Sexy Star to be his date to the Hall of Fame! He’s on fire!
In all seriousness, Kalisto looks to be positioned to be the WWE’s Latino star, the heir to Rey Mysterio in ways Sin Cara never could be. This is his chance to prove himself under pressure, and I can’t wait to see what he will do.
Prediction: Kalisto overcomes the odds and retains
Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Stardust vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Zack Ryder vs. Sin Cara (ladder match for Intercontinental Championship)
What a clusterf@%*#.
But I’m an optimist, so I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this match will be good despite itself. Remember last year’s awesome ladder match?
Owens has proven himself to be an incredible worker well-able to perform in gimmick matches like this. Expect his rivalry with Sami Zayn to be the emotional core of this match, providing many awesome spots and setting up a feud that will continue through the summer.
Stardust teased a new look, but he’s teased the return of Cody many times before. However, if we actually see Cody, expect the pop to be momentous.
This match belongs to Kevin Owens. It can fully legitimize his reign and set up an underdog (Zayn) chasing the prizefighter: this summer’s Ambrose vs. Rollins.
Prediction: Owens retains
The New Day vs. League of Nations
Oh, what a difference a year can make. In the span of a single year, the New Day have become one of the hottest acts in the entire WWE, their unique blend of charisma and unpredictability turning them into undisputed fan favorites.
The League of Nations, meanwhile, is wallowing without direction.
This will be the New Day’s moment of triumph, their final coronation as complete babyfaces. But don’t be surprise if their next challengers make themselves known as well. We all know the Demon, Finn Balor, is in town.
Might Balor Club have a statement to make to the champs?
Prediction: The New Day wins
AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho
I’d normally complain about the predictability of a Styles win, but in this case, a Styles win is the only thing that makes sense. This is a moment he’s been building towards for his entire career.
I’ll keep this short and sweet: tonight, AJ Styles will show why for years, he was the best thing not in the WWE. He will prove himself a main event-worthy star and in the process, show the entire wrestling world what a legend he truly is.
Prediction: AJ Styles wins with the Styles Clash
Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch vs. Sasha Banks (Divas Championship* match)
Forget championships. Forget everything else. This match right here will prove to be the most historically significant match of this year’s WrestleMania.
Sasha Banks, Charlotte and Becky Lynch are trailblazers, skilled athletes who came into the WWE and changed the game along with Bayley, whose callup is fast approaching. They have made the Divas Division something people invest in, regardless of gender.
With the Divas Division set to be rebranded as the Women’s Division tonight or tomorrow, expect the women to be given time to put on an instant classic. All three are fully able to perform under pressure, and they will surely shine.
Prediction: Sasha Banks pins the champ
Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar (No Holds Barred Street Fight)
This right here? MY main event.
The Lunatic Fringe is currently the hottest babyface in the WWE. Casual and hardcore fans alike connect with his struggle to establish himself as the top star in the company. This is his first proper showcase at the Show of Shows, and he will make himself into a star whether he wins or not.
Brock lesnar is an attraction. Carrying an aura like no other, every match he’s in feels like a big deal. If this match was just a regular match, he would be the obvious winner. But it’s not.
Ambrose has been given a lot of toys to play with by the likes of Mick Foley and Terry Funk. He has displayed a new focus unseen before. He could very well pull of an upset.
But I doubt it.
The good thing about this match is that no matter who wins, Dean Ambrose will be cemented as a star. And frankly, it’s long overdue.
Prediction: Lesnar wins, but only JUST BARELY
Shane McMahon vs. Undertaker (Hell in a Cell match)
John Cena is medically cleared.
JOHN CENA IS MEDICALLY CLEARED.
The WWE has the perfect opportunity to not only put Shane over believably, but to set up the dream match we all want for WrestleMania 33.
Cena helps McMahon defeat the Deadman. What a perfect situation.
As for the match itself, expect Shane and Taker to pull out all of the stops on their end to bring the WWE Universe to their feet. A Coast to Coast is almost guaranteed, as is another massive spot from the prodigal son.
Prediction: Shane wins with the help of John Cena
Triple H vs. Roman Reigns (WWE World Heavyweight Championship match)
Oh my. I have no idea what’s going to happen here. I have no idea if the WWE is going to stay its course and let the boos rain down on a “babyface” Roman Reigns, or if they’re going to turn him heel and let him become a star organically.
A swerve is the only way to ensure a memorable ending for all the reasons the WWE wants it to be memorable. The Rock is in town, having been heavily promoted. Why not bring him out to celebrate with Roman, only to have him get pummeled by his “cousin” to close out the night?
I want Roman to succeed. I want him to grow into the star McMahon believes he can be. But at this point time, the only way to get him cheers will be to embrace the boos.
Prediction: Roman Reigns wins and turns heel in the process